moggle • 3 days ago

The guy is right. I remember when Halo first came out. After about 10 minutes after I had started playing it, with tears streaming down my face, I had to pause it. I went to my PC and I ripped my keyboard and mouse out of it. I took the keyboard -- an old-school Dell mechanical, one of those big tanks that weighed about 50lbs and had the perfect clack-clack sound -- and started beating a kitten to death with it. I had to ruin something innocent and precious, because the pure perfection of Bungie's system had pushed the evil in my soul to the surface, and it had to escape.

After killing the kitty I smashed the keyboard into the wall and I grabbed the mouse. In a moment of acknowledgement to Bungie's mastering of the shooter, I had to debase myself further. I dropped my drawers, spread out the cheeks of my ass, and proceeded to bugger myself with my own mouse. "I deserve this!", I cried over and over, "Oh, God, why?!" as I shoved the Logitech up my anus.

Only after I had lodged the mouse firmly up my own ass, and still covered in the blood of a sweet, cuddly kitten, did I throw my PC into a bathtub full of water and I burned my vast collection of PC games. I cackled as the flames reflected in my eyes, copies of Quake III, Half-Life, Medal of Honor warping and snapping in the heat. Only then was I able to return to Halo, properly humiliated and baptized in Bungie's supremacy. Since then, there has only been darkness punctuated by the light Bungie brought with every Halo release.

Thank you, Mr. Jones, for disregarding every other game and stating FACT. You are our gaming God, Halo our gaming Jesus. Let the writhing, dirty masses gather at the base of your alter and look skyward, mouths open, whilst you stroke yourself off and release your golden spunk into our gaping maws. We want it, OH GOD, we want it so much.